Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
