Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
