It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
