In the future we'll all be gay
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
