Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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