dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
