I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
