I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
