all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
