The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
