One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
