so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
