I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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