Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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