The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
