It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
