Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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