Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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