We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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