My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
