I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize