This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
