I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
