My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We just shotgunned beers for America
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
