The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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