I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
