Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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