He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
