I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
