this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
