I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
