I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i drank out of a bidet.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
