You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So much rum. So many feels.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wear drunk well.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
