All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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