I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We left an ass print on the piano.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
