this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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