Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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