I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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