Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
