david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
