Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
