Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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