If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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