I wish life had little blips of pornography
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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