so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
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One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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