I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
