can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
