I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
