we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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