I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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