something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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