Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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