o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
