He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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