I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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