I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
