I think I died a long time ago.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
