We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
