I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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