The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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