Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
